Happy Belated Mother's Day

I first became aware of the volatile topic of parenting philosophies when I decided to breastfeed and started doing research. Breastfeeding advocates can be heavy handed. Tina Fey aptly calls them “teat nazis”. The members of La Leche League tell you that “breast is best,” absolutely, inarguably best. If mom is miserable breastfeeding, she is just “not doing it right.”

When Xander started having sleep problems, I checked out some books on baby sleep problems. Each one claims to have THE solution, but only if you follow this method exactly. They all contradict each other—one says sleep with your baby, another never sleep with your baby, put the baby to bed before 7, never rock the baby to sleep, let him cry himself to sleep, never let him cry alone, never feed him to sleep—it's exhausting. When I checked those ever-so-volatile mommy message boards, I found screaming matches that have lasted for years. Not many people allow for relativity: there's always an absolute solution which is the only way you should ever deal with your baby's sleep problems.

When we started solids, I found that several people believe that you should start solids at four months, while others think it's a crime to start before six months. I even discovered a “baby led weaning” movement that believes that it is wrong to spoon-feed a baby. When I looked up baby slings, I found “attachment parenting,” which is staunchly anti-stroller. There's a new book out called Bringing Up Bebe which touts “French parenting,” which advocates putting mom first. In French parenting, there is no breastfeeding, there are plenty of strollers, and parents resume their pre-baby social lives fairly quickly. There are even some women who say that breasts are for the husband, not the baby, which I find somewhat insulting.

Several of my contemporaries have latched onto some method or another. I think that many feel validated that there are other mothers who share their beliefs. Others browbeat themselves for not producing these mythical children who sleep effortlessly and eat only the finest foods (by themselves, with no spoons). They know that their disposable diaper use/fondness for strollers/babies' unwillingness to sleep for eight hour stretches are indicative of bad mothering.

I have seen enough differing opinions to realize that I'm better off trusting my instincts. Parenting comes with its snafus. Xander goes on nap strikes. He melts down after extended time in the ergo. He is occasionally unhappy and uncomfortable. Sometimes he gets a bottle of formula just because breastfeeding or pumping more milk is not convenient for me. I believe that I'm doing an acceptable job, and my baby is healthy and happy to validate this.

I won't say that my parenting philosophy is THE ONLY parenting philosophy, but here it is: Life with baby can be challenging sometimes. There are no perfect babies or perfect parents. If mom cares enough to worry that she is not doing a good job, and if she realizes that taking care of herself is important, too, then she is doing fine.  You hear that, all you new mothers out there?  You're doing fine.