Nap Strike

Xander reached his 100^th day this weekend. In Korea, that's an occasion for a party. In the old days, that's when a baby received his or her name, though now it looks like they are named at birth. We celebrated Xander's hundredth day with me struggling to make him take a nap, and him refusing and becoming more and more hysterical as the day wore on. By 7pm, he was crying without a break.

Naps have become difficult here, and it's hard to say why. Xander has always been a reluctant napper, but some time in the past week he decided that he just wasn't going to nap any more. I checked out a few books on the subject, and we tried a few techniques over the week with little avail. Everyone touts “cry it out,” and Bobby reluctantly tried it. Nightmare. Not only did Xander cry for 30 minutes straight, which was as long as Bobby could handle leaving him in his crib, but he cried for an hour after Bobby picked him up. We tried setting regular naptimes with nominal success. He'll somewhat adhere to them—it can take up to an hour to get him to fall asleep at his nap time, even when he's clearly tired. Yesterday I tried the baby whisperer's technique. I picture the baby whisperer as a ruler slapping nanny who chides me for not putting the baby to bed at 6:30pm (roughly when I get home at night), letting him go to sleep after a meal, and rocking him to sleep. Nonetheless, she and many others think that if you put a baby down while he is still awake, he will not wake up and feel bewildered to be in the crib.

So yesterday spent the requisite hour rocking my reluctant napper to almost-sleep. I put him in his crib and sat down next to it. He startled awake, then fell back asleep, startled awake, then fell back asleep. After the fifth startle, he was up. I picked him back up and rocked him back to sleep while he cried and fought me. I put him down, the same thing happened. I picked him back up and repeated. This time, when he startled himself awake, I let him stay in the crib since he seemed to be happier there. I had previously removed all the distractions and darkened the room, but he laid there and kicked his legs for an hour. I left the room a few times; he didn't seem to mind. He just wasn't going to sleep. He actually managed to turn 180 degrees so he could see his toys bunched at the back of his crib, then got excited about that.

Needless to say, after five hours of trying to get this baby to sleep I gave up on the nap. He was miserable all evening.

Today, I spent an hour rocking him to sleep. A comically frustrating part of this routine is that Xander will poop at least once during this time, after which I will take him to his changing table, he will see his mobile, and will party himself back awake. So after a little over an hour, he was out. I had swaddled him to avoid the startle, and I let him sleep in my lap for half an hour. I put him in his crib. He's been in there for ten minutes.

Today I put the sleep training books down and started How Do Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm at Night, a book about how people from all over the world care for their babies. What a relief. Most parenting books make me feel like a failure.  Either I coddle my baby to much by rocking him to sleep, wearing him, and letting him sleep in a bassinet next to me, or I am too distant because I use a stroller, don't technically cosleep, and would like him to nap in his crib.  This book reminds me that there are many ways to raise a baby. 

And he's up. Shucks.

Ten things I've learned about motherhood

Xander is three months old now.  This seems to be going around the expat-in-Korea-who-has-baby blogosphere (yes, there are more than one of us), so I thought I'd throw in my two cents.

1. Breastfeeding is harder than you think it is, but worth it (see this post).
   
   
2. Sleep deprivation post baby is not as bad as it was pre-baby.
   I haven't slept through the night in three months. I'm one of those people who never wanted to pull an all nighter, but after I had Xander I adapted quickly to what sleep I got. Xander is a pretty good sleeper now; on a good night he'll wake up once. I find that if I do happen to sleep for six hours in a row (which is my record), I'll wake up in a panic thinking that I've somehow forgotten my baby.
   
   
3. Getting a baby to sleep is a unique challenge.
   Our challenge is nap time. I find myself taking him on a car ride, a stroll, or putting him in his ergo and walking around so that I can coax at least a small nap out of him every day. Even at bedtime I have to coax him to sleep, only to sit down and have him wake up again immediately. I'll be that we spend 20% of Xander's waking hours trying to get him to sleep.
   
   
4. Babies need constant stimulation, but surprisingly mundane things will stimulate them.
   Okay, Xander has a full gamut of noisemaking, light up, colorful toys, and he does love most of them. He also loves watching me eat, sitting on the couch propped up on pillows, staring at the wallpaper, and sucking his hands.
   
   
5. Babies can go stir crazy.
   Xander has admittedly had an exciting early life, so maybe we set him up to be easily bored. Like me, he will get cranky if we keep him inside for too long. He has to see new things. The look of wonder he gets in his eyes when watching the world go by from his stroller is incredible.
   
   
6. Babies like to keep you guessing.
   As soon as I think I've figured him out, he'll throw me for a loop. He'll suddenly refuse to nurse. He'll cry, and everything I know of to get him to stop won't work. He'll stop (almost) sleeping through the night. It's like he knows when I've gotten too confident with my parenting skills.
   
   
7. Tummy time is a total drag.
   Okay, I know we're all supposed to do this for 30 minutes a day. I have a hard time coaxing Xander into fifteen minutes of tummy time. As soon as I put him on his belly, we start the amazing mommy show, during which I pull out toy after toy, sing, rub him, and chant in a constant effort to keep him from melting down. I'm starting to see his peers pull ahead of him in the skills learned during tummy time, which leads me to try harder, but Xander is just not interested.
   
   
8. There is more than one way to be a parent.
   Everyone is sure that their style is the only way to raise children. I see book after book come out touting styles that range from tough love to constant contact and baby wearing. While social workers can certainly tell you that there are wrong ways to be a parent, many people manage to raise good, independent, smart and creative children using their own methods. Parenting methods, like politics and religion, are loaded topics that people feel very strongly about, and should probably not be discussed in mixed company.
   
   
9. Babies turn new mothers into a ball of tears.
   When he was a newborn, I would cry at least four times a day. I was faced with these new, overwhelming feelings, and I guess that was my way of dealing with them. I still can't listen to John Lennon's “Beautiful Boy” without crying.
   
   
10. Parenting changes the universe.
    I was not prepared for this. Everyone in my life whom I loved before he came--my husband, my friends, my family, my pets—all faded into the background when I had Xander, eclipsed by the love I feel for my son. It's indescribable. It's frightening.
    
    
    The dreaded tummy time
    
    

Boss baby propped up in daddy's chair

An actor in training

Xander has developed the most expressive face.  He has a perfect frown, which I haven't been able to capture on camera.  When he's sporting his perfect frown, he'll also stick out his lower lip to look more pitiful.  He also has dimples, so the smile is adorable.

That's my daddy

I'm done with the playmat, mom

kicking in his bouncy seat

Things I wish breastfeeding advocates would come clean about

I remember how, in DARE class, we learned that if you tried just one “marijuana cigarette,” you began the path to professional failure, solitude, and general self destruction. When I learned that this was not true, I was tempted to throw everything I learned about drugs away. I won't start on drug education's failures...that could take me awhile. I found myself reminded of DARE class when I started breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding advocates, like DARE, make many points, some of which are dead on and some of which are just propaganda. Many will try and tell you that breastfeeding is painless and completely enjoyable, leading pregnant me to wonder why so many women opt not to breastfeed. None mention the extreme time commitment that breastfeeding requires, or the changes in your lifestyle it entails. There's never any room for supplementation, and most won't even mention that breast pumps and bottles exist. Instead, there's this idea that if you feed your baby just one bottle, he will go down a path of solitude, professional failure, and general self-destruction (a.k.a. “nipple confusion”).

Imagine my surprise when I found out that breastfeeding does hurt, even when you're “doing it right.” I spent many hours trying to relatch my screaming baby because I was sure that if I just got him on there right, it wouldn't hurt. I was dismayed to find myself chained to the couch, where breastfeeding became a full time job. It was hard to take my young baby anywhere, because even though nursing in public is doable, it is not possible in many places, like outside during the winter or in a moving car. Going for four or five hours during he day without feeding or pumping would mean painful engorgement and leaking through my shirt. Early on, I opted to hand my husband a bottle so that I could have four hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, which turned out to be a sound decision that cost my baby nothing. I actually started producing enough milk to feed him pumped milk at night while I was supplementing.

Here is what I would like to say to any woman considering breastfeeding. It is hard. It hurts, and it sucks up your time. You will find yourself wishing you had a longer arm so that you could get yourself a glass of water/do those dirty dishes/pull out a book/answer the phone while you are pinned to the couch feeding the baby. You will keep a running clock in your head at all times so that you are never away when the baby becomes hungry. Breastfeeding is a challenge, but it is worth it. The health benefits to your baby—which you are well aware of if you have read any of the literature—are numerous. You have done pregnancy and childbirth. You can do breasfeeding. And if you become exhausted, hand your hubby a bottle and take a rest. Your baby will not become hopelessly nipple-confused, and your milk will not dry up.

Coffee Corner

The corner near our house used to have an Angel-in-Us and a Sleepless in Seattle.  That seemed like an abundance of coffeeshops to new-to-Korea me, especially since none of them are open in the morning.  Daegu, more than any city I've lived in, is a living organism, constantly sprouting new businesses and sloughing off old ones.  So in the past few months, we've seen a Cafe Bene, Davinci's, and Starbucks go up on the same corner.  Nearby, where the cheaper real estate is, we saw new small business coffeeshops emerge, like Mariage (sp).  I don't understand the Korean free market at all.  You would think that coffee businesses would want to set up shops where there is not competition.  Not so.

We predict that a Holly's Coffee and/or a Dunkin Donuts will be here in the next couple of months.  I think those are the only big chains we're missing.

Now, for fun, a video of Xander talking to himself in the mirror.  We call baby-in-the-mirror his on again, off again friend.  It seems like they're always making each other cry.